We can stagnate our lives with the monotonous drone of habitual conversation. Nothing brought it home to me more this week than this emphatic statement of a co-worker. I knew nothing of him other than he grumbled each time I asked how he was. This day was different. "How are you?" I ask. He looks at me and sighs heavily, like he is contemplating saying what is on his mind. He opts in. "Please quit asking." he says. I do my shocked face. "Ok" I respond. He moves down the counter to doctor his coffee, I can tell he feels bad about his reply. "I didn't mean to be rude, just don't ask me how I am unless you really want to know." he says stirring his cup. I had to smile. He looks a little rough around the edges this morning and I am completely confident that he would tell me exactly how he ~is today~ if I pursued. "Deal" I promise. He has been to my counter twice since. And because he slammed the door shut on small talk we have been able to engage in real conversation, i.e, where he's from, the 70's, cuban coffee, etc.
I have to say that his honesty may have changed the path of my life somewhat. I have never had a problem engaging in conversation with anyone. But, I realized that I am capable of projecting my lack of interest by using tiresome, babbling greetings. Of course you can't engage everyone, but at least be sincere in what you DO say. It's the actual emphasis of my words/life that will engage my customers, my friends and my family, not the repetition of the words. I had the impression in my mind that I had been nice to this co-worker every morning as I stretched a (sincere?) smile across my face and asked "How are you?" His take? I was redundant and uncaring. And, he had the gumption to tell me so. It stung for a minute or two. Wilhelm Stekel said, “Candor is always a double-edged sword; it may heal or it may separate.” I found it to go beyond that and open awareness as well. From that moment on, I am undeniably aware of someone else being disinterested when having a conversation.
I exchanged my monologue for being present and have seriously enjoyed some interesting conversations. When someone believes you really care, you become more than the spigot for the coffee cup. More than the retractable hand that takes their money. You have the opportunity to add value to a minute of their day and they in turn do the same for you.
I realize how damning ritualistic living can be. If I can't add some value to the moment, the least I can do is not take away from it. I have laughed out loud, fun... raucous laughing and been saddened to the depths of my soul this week. Just by being available.
Dangers of monotonous monologue.
Husband and wife, Been together eons. They know what each is going to say and do before they say or do it. They are driving to grocery store. Pull up to a stop sign, husband doesn't look and relies on wife's answer to pull out. "Anything coming?" he ask. Wife responds. "No one's coming." He pulls out and they go to heaven, just like that. Emphasis on the word ~No~ could have changed the outcome.
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