Nothing against mirrors. I have them all over the house, leaning on walls, hanging, sitting on tables reflecting upwards. There are one or two in every single room. I view them as reflective portals to other realms, and — I like to see what's coming at me from all angles. Mirrors perform purposeful and perform mundane activities; the occasional glimpse of spinach in the teeth, teeth brushing, makeup application and hair combing and not much time spent there, just a few swipes with a Barbie comb is sufficient. I am at least blessed with hair loss equality, it seems to be evenly falling out. And that's a good thing, because I can't tell left from right when doing the Donald Trump comb-over.
Decisions requiring; Up, down, left, right, backwards, forwards, or sequence may take a millisecond longer for me and because I am ambidextrous I can screw up even more with complex dexterity.
My kaleidoscope eyes have given me a substantial collection of goose eggs and escapades in life. More so if I am upset, tired or in a hurry.
I.e, after pulling a double shift at work late one night, I inched the car into my driveway to a stop. I was so glad to see the welcoming yellow glowing lights of home. Here's where tired dyslexic kicked in. I moved the gear shift down three notches on the PRNDL12 stick instead of up three notches to PARK.
Ok, we lived in NC , hills abound. A nice steep slope at the end of my driveway trailed off through a grassy knoll and into the woods. I was in the house giving salutations long before the roll started. I remembered that I left something in the car a few minutes later and went to get it. No car! I ran back into the house hollering "Omg, the car has been stolen. Don, call the cops the car is gone." You would have to know how ugly my car was to get that joke.
The kids and Don ran outside in the dark. Don had a flashlight because it was super dark down the dirt road. We were heading back to the house to call someone when I sheepishly remembered that the keys are on the kitchen table. At that same instant Don's flashlight picked up a red tail light in the woods. At that moment I actually wished the car was stolen. The "stolen" car had rolled off into the woods. Shaking his head the way he would do to this day, Don went into the woods to back the car back through the kudzu jungle and sappy baby pines to it's rightful place in the yard.
I would like to think that my escapades have subsided in frequency, but I still do take precautionary measures to eliminate in-house confusion. I don't re-arrange furniture. If I sit something down in a spot I deem worthy, it will stay there forever.
But every now and then, even the things permanently established will jump out and get me. As was the case this weekend. I came home with a few things from grocery store to a quiet house. Don is napping in bed after exhaustive rounds of Sunday football, all is well and predictably happily, normal. I opened the top kitchen cabinet to put stuff away. A can of fruit cocktail fell onto the floor. I reached down to get it, came back up and BAM!, caught my head with the cabinet door. Not the usual stars this time—stars AND stripes. When I was able to reason, I went to the freezer to get some ice for the spongy knot growing out of my head. I gingerly walked to the bedroom. Don looked so peaceful in bed, I decided not to wake him with my latest faux pas.
I took the flashlight into the closet to check my eyes for dilation. I followed my finger with my eyes, whatever the hell that does when you are doing it to yourself. The phone buzzed on the counter with the busy chatter of my Ya Ya's. I decided to hook up with my people, so at least someone will know what happened.
I joined in the convo somewhere around a backyard get together with ice box tater salad. Rubbing my head I wondered, "Should I come on strong with prayer warrior request for my head or subtly drop the injury into text?
I'm greeted with "Oh yeah, nice of you to join us from your Sunday nap."
There are three close to middle aged Ya Ya's in this MMS text. One has spell check and double check's her spell check, one knows how to spell and the other is trigger happy and sends everything that spell check suggest.
Me: Ice bag on head. "Feeling a little nauseous."
Me: (Following a thread of getting together) "I'm in if I live. I almost knocked myself out on a cabinet door." (My hopeful plot is to suggest that I may need help or at least make someone aware.)
Ya Ya with spell check: "Have another glass!"
Me: "I'm scared to drink the first one now."
Ya Ya who trust's spell check: "Ice it Shasta an call it a day." (Note, Shasta means sister on spell check.)
Ya Ya with spell check. "A day? She's been sleeping all afternoon."
Ya Ya who trust spell check. "He, he he"
Ya Ya with spell check. "There was this story on the news the other day about a state of mind between sleep and awake called drunk sleep (insert two paragraph tangent here)
Ya Ya who trust spell check "BAhaAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa" Whatever the hell that means, I have never heard anyone laugh in that language.
Ya Ya with spell check: "Lawd, (it now recognizes her slang) the directions our conversations head! From benches to tater salad to sleep to who knows where. I love it!"
Me: "If there ever were such a thing as extra terrestrial beings, they'd get together on a Verizon satellite to listen in on this group."
Ya Ya who trust's spell check is losing concentration here and has missed a few post‘s: "I made baby white lima beans over rice and boiled baby ukons with butter and herbs an cheese corn muffins."
Me: "That sounds good."
Ya Ya with spell check: "Ukons? Have you totally disabled auto correct?"
Me: "lmao."
It goes full out rogue here.
Ya Ya who trust's spell check: "must have, let me check, Hispol oori sh."
Ya Ya with spell check; "Seriously lmao, I love y'all so much!!!"
Ya Ya who trust's spell check: "Live 6 to you"
Me: "Oh God, we need an interpreter."
Ya Ya with spell check. "Live 6 to you also, as I type through tears."
Me: "Bridge 105.5 out. How the hell am I supposed to determine if I have a concussion with you guys?"
Ya Ya with spell check: "You do have a concussion. Drink wine."
Ya Ya who trust's spell check: "Soon over ice box tater, salad. You are fine shasta."
Me: "I am not outing my wine over potato salad."
Ya Ya who trust's spell check: "Want me to flute hit you?"
Me: "I'm not sure, never done that before, sounds like fun though"
Ya Ya who trust's spell check: "Come get you!! You want me to come get you??"
Me: "No, I will tell Don to wake me up and flute me every two hours."
Ya Ya with spell check: "Lord I love ya'll."
Me: "Yeth, me too!"
Which pairs well with a concussion. White or Red Wine? Yes, I think I will. Take three mornings and call me in the aspirin.
No comments:
Post a Comment